Don't catastrophize (or despair)

View in Browser | Add nytdirect@nytimes.com to your address book.

Monday, August 19, 2019

NYTimes.com/SmarterLiving »

Joni Majer

Tim Herrera

Smarter Living Editor

This week I've invited S.L. contributor Anna Goldfarb to coach us through apologizing after an uncomfortable slip of the tongue.

Oops! You asked a recently fired friend-of-a-friend how his job is going. The words left your lips before you could scoop them back in. Inquiring about the biggest stressor in his life (the one he was praying no one would bring up) was an innocent mistake. Sure, you apologized profusely, but you can tell he's smarting. Ugh.

This type of slip-up is a common, if painful, part of being a social creature in society. But apologizing for saying the wrong thing requires a different kind of apology than, say, spilling coffee on a stranger's purse or running late to work. When you make an inappropriate comment or insensitive joke, the wound is internal, which can make patching things up more fraught.

Still, there's hope. Here's how to bounce back from a verbal slip-up and heal those bruised feelings.

Before you apologize

Assess the harm. "Be open and vulnerable with yourself about perhaps the damage that has been done," said Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist. And if you aren't clear on what you said that was hurtful, Ijeoma Oluo, author of "So You Want to Talk About Race," recommends reaching out and saying, "It would help make this right if you could explain what I did that harmed you." Don't frame it as, "Tell me why you're mad," but ask, "What did I do?"
Don't "catastrophize." People who are prone to guilty thoughts tend to be harder on themselves. If you find yourself in a shame spiral, Dr. Bonior suggests reframing your internal narrative about the event into something more realistic, supportive and helpful, like: "This situation touches a chord. I'm feeling ashamed, but I can make this better. Everyone makes mistakes."
Don't let it fester. Dr. Bonior suggests setting a period of time to lick your wounds (an hour, a day), but try to make amends as soon as possible. Sometimes when we procrastinate on having a difficult conversation, we end up not having the talk at all, which is what actually causes irreparable damage to the relationship. "It's not the initial offense," she said. "It's how it was handled."

During the apology

Take responsibility. Resist the urge to get defensive or make excuses, like, "Well, I didn't mean it," or, "Why are you so sensitive? It was clearly a joke." Avoid quibbling over specifics, and just let the other person have their feelings, Dr. Bonior said. Studies show that labeling your feelings can help manage anxiety and depression. So saying things like, "I'm ashamed I said that," or "I'm appalled I hurt you," might alleviate some of your anguish over the situation. However, you don't want to make yourself the victim, so don't lay it on too thick, Dr. Bonior said.
Validate their pain. It's tempting to use this time to clarify your intent — you might be feeling under attack, and it's understandable to want to clear your name. But unless the person asked what you meant by your comment or joke, don't go there. What you intended to say is irrelevant in a conversation centered on the negative impact of your words. Accept that what the person heard and felt was real: "My comment was inappropriate and I understand why you're upset."
Be genuine. Make sure your apology comes from your heart, and avoid canned phrases like, "I'm sorry if you were hurt." That language distances yourself from your actions and can feel hollow to the recipient. Experts said it's best to deliver an apology face-to-face if possible. Speaking over the phone is the next best option.
Explain how it won't happen again. Sharing what the situation taught you will reassure this person that you've learned from your mistake, and educating yourself and making an effort to correct your behavior shows you're operating in good faith.

After the apology

Reset. It can be especially important to have an uneventful interaction after a blunder in case the other person is wondering what the relationship will look like moving forward. Put their fears to rest. "If you then come in half an hour later and you're talking to them about some normal work thing, often that will really put them at ease," said Alison Green, publisher of the career advice blog Ask a Manager and author of the book with the same name.
Let it go. If after giving it your best effort the other person isn't able to move past the transgression, disengage. You can offer a sincere apology and own up to your mistakes, but you cannot make somebody accept it, said Don Cole, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Still, try to embrace the opportunity to understand the other person's lived experience and identify with their pain, even if you played a part in causing it. Not only will you be a more considerate friend and colleague, but by looking at the world through their eyes, you'll be more likely to make the other person feel safe, heard and understood.

For even more advice on apologizing after a slip-up, read the full version of this article here.