Smarter Living: Kick dismissive positivity to the curb

Stay positive ... mostly

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Tim Herrera Smarter Living Editor This week I've invited S.L. contributor Anna Goldfarb to give us a better way to stay positive. I'm always happy to give a morale boost. When a dear friend texted me she was nervous about an important meeting, I replied: "You've got this!" along with a thumbs up emoji.    However, when another close friend told me she received some scary medical news, I mindlessly used the same approach. I said, "You've got this!" but it didn't seem to make her feel better. In fact, my words made her withdraw.  Psychotherapist Whitney Goodman calls having an unhelpful cheerful attitude "dismissive positivity." In an Instagram post, she explained how to better respond to someone who's in pain.  Instead of saying, "You'll get over it," to someone in distress, say something to impart validation and hope: "This is hard. You've done hard things before and I believe in you." "Think happy thoughts!" becomes, "It's probably pretty hard to be positive right now. I'm putting out good energy into the world for you."  "Everything happens for a reason!" is updated to, "This doesn't make sense right now. We'll sort it all out later."  Once you identify dismissive positivity –– also known as toxic positivity ––  it gets easier to course correct. Instead of acknowledging my friend's anguish, my chipper attitude minimized her anxiety. I can't change how I made her feel, but I will strive to be more compassionate when people share their despair with me in the future.

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