Small ideas that have big impacts
 | | Albert Tercero |
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Regular readers of this newsletter know that its third section is quietly one of the best resources for small ideas that can have a huge impact. |
Each week, I invite some of my favorite writers to give easy-to-do tips on everything from beating your Sunday Scaries to knowing whether you should mix business and friendship. |
Below are four tips that completely blew my mind this year. Some are so obvious you’ll kick yourself for not already doing them, and others are so weird you just have to try them. |
Beat those Sunday Scaries |
As Maroon 5 famously crooned, “Sunday morning, rain is falling, steal some covers, share some skin.” It’s a solid plan for the second weekend day until you look at the clock and realize Monday is just around the corner. The ensuing anxiety has been cleverly dubbed the “Sunday Scaries,” and yes, it’s a real thing. Just ask Twitter. |
Such scaries are triggered when we anticipate the end of our precious, limited free time and think about soon having to tackle the responsibilities of the week ahead, according to Melissa Robinson-Brown, a psychologist based in New York. These anxieties are heightened for people who are unhappy in their jobs, so intensely feeling Sunday Scaries is a good reminder to check in with yourself and where you are with your career. |
That said, Sunday Scaries can just as easily happen to people who are happy with their jobs. It’s a type of low-level, background anxiety that can hit anyone as Sunday afternoon sunlight recedes beneath the horizon. |
To combat the Sunday Scaries, plan an enjoyable (preferably offline) activity or outing, whether it’s as simple as taking a walk or reading a good book, and if it helps you unwind, leave the phone at home. Staying mindful about what’s happening around you will distract you from anxious thoughts about tomorrow. |
As the day winds down, set intentions and goals — professionally and in your personal life — for the week. These will help you regain control of your worries and look forward to conquering the week rather than fearing it. |
Kick dismissive positivity to the curb |
I’m always happy to give a morale boost. When a dear friend texted me she was nervous about an important meeting, I replied: “You’ve got this!” along with a thumbs up emoji. |
However, when another close friend told me she had received some scary medical news, I mindlessly used the same approach. I said, “You’ve got this!” but it didn’t seem to make her feel better. In fact, my words made her withdraw. |
Whitney Goodman, a psychotherapist, calls having an unhelpful cheerful attitude “dismissive positivity.” She explained in an Instagram post how to better respond to someone who’s in pain. |
- Instead of saying, “You’ll get over it” to someone in distress, instead say something to impart validation and hope: “This is hard. You’ve done hard things before and I believe in you.”
- “Think happy thoughts!” becomes: “It’s probably pretty hard to be positive right now. I’m putting out good energy into the world for you.”
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- “Everything happens for a reason!” is updated to: “This doesn’t make sense right now. We’ll sort it all out later.”
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Once you become familiar with identifying dismissive positivity — also known as toxic positivity — it gets easier to correct. Instead of acknowledging my friend’s anguish, my chipper attitude minimized her anxiety. I can’t change how I made her feel, but I will strive to be more compassionate when people share their despair with me in the future. |
Don’t mix business and friendship |
I knew I had made a mistake as soon as he answered, “Sure, but you don’t have to pay me.” |
My question: “Can I pay you to create a graphic?” |
What followed was weeks of my asking if there was a proof I could look at, and his apologizing for the delay, followed by a promise that he’d make time soon and the assurance that no, it wasn’t necessary for me to find someone else. |
These are tricky waters many of us have tried to navigate: Asking a friend for a business-related favor. Favors from friends — though often asked and promised with the best intentions — can sour a friendship and result in work that doesn’t quite live up to standards but leaves you feeling as if you have no right to complain. |
The solution? Just don’t do it. Paying someone, rather than calling in a favor, lets you dictate your timetable, make specifications in explicit (and annoying) detail, nitpick the work to death and keep at it until you’re completely satisfied — all guilt-free, because someone is being paid for the effort. When there are deadlines, contracts and, most important, payments, the relationship is clear, direct and uncomplicated. |
An unpaid favor, while having the veneer of a generous of help, opens the door to a multitude of uncomfortable scenarios. And it’s just as irritating when the roles are reversed. Before I learned to set boundaries, I was often asked to edit writing for friends and falsely assured “it will only take you five minutes!” And because I felt compelled to do a thorough job, I’d spend an hour or more and feel resentful about it. |
If you need something done, shell out the money or learn how to do it yourself. A free favor never pays off. |
Let a friend’s success motivate you |
It’s a common, arguably unavoidable situation: a friend’s career or personal life is advancing while you’re stuck in what feels like an endless loop of 9 to 5 roadblocks and relationship dead-ends. While it’s easy — and normal! — to grow jealous, you can harness that green-eyed monster to propel you toward your elusive goal. |
“If you and your friend are doing very similar things, then your friend’s success could be a motivating factor,” said Dr. Venus Mahmoodi, a psychologist. The key is to realize you’re jealous, be happy for your friend, then “sit down and think about the things you like about your life and the things you could change.” A 2006 study published in the Academy of Management Journal found that the juxtaposing feelings of happiness and jealousy can help you better organize your life and fuel your creativity. |
If your friend is on a different path but inciting envy nonetheless, those feelings of resentment can still work to your advantage. |
“You need to ask yourself if being similar to your friend is the best route,” Dr. Mahmoodi said. “Or is it possible to find your own way and become successful in what you’re doing.” Your jealousy can then help you get over any anxieties you have over making a necessary change, or help you better manage your expectations and set realistic, personalized goals. |
So the next time a friend’s promotion or engagement sends you down a jealous rabbit hole of self-loathing, use those feelings as a blueprint for your next success. |
This week, I’ve invited Kara Cutruzzula, who writes the newsletter Brass Ring Daily about work, life and creativity, to share her tip on creating resolutions after the fact. |
Yeah, yeah, everyone is hurtling toward the New Year — and I support that. As someone whose primary skill is “Futuristic,” at least according to the StrengthsFinder quiz, looking backward is as appetizing as ice cubes on a snow day. |
But then I thought: What actually happened this year? My memory was mush. That’s why I invented my own “retroactive resolutions” for the past year. Your life has probably also changed in subtle, strange or surprising ways that wildly diverged from your “real” resolutions. So let’s find them. |
Search your 2019 calendar or planner for events and opportunities you couldn’t have anticipated back on Jan. 1. Survey your work life, your creative life, your emotional and physical health. Maybe you didn’t expect to start a new job, hop to a different state or take on a fresh project. Perhaps you adopted better work habits, a decent skincare routine or you finally showed up to the dentist. You could have become good friends with strangers, or let good friends become strangers. You might have grown obsessed with cycling or visited a national park or scurried away for a long weekend. Maybe you recommitted to reading or knitting or learning Italian or eating at least three salads a week. And it’s likely you were resilient in the face of loss or trauma or difficult moments. |
These can all be resolutions. Unplanned, unwritten and sometimes, at the end of a year, still unfolding. But take a moment to look at what you accomplished. Maybe 2020 won’t feel like the start of a new decade you must bend to your will. Maybe it can simply be the beginning of resolutions and possibilities you can’t even imagine. |
