 | | Natalia Ramos |
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This week I’ve invited S.L. contributor Anna Goldfarb to help us determine whether we should reach out to a former friend. |
Many of us are now feeling a pull to connect with someone from our past. After all, you can be around people all day — children, spouses, roommates — and still feel lonely. You might be missing your most intimate relationships, your fun acquaintances and the communities you belong to that bring out certain sides of your personality. |
With this cocktail of loneliness, impulsivity and an enhanced need for support, it’s understandable to want to resume a lapsed friendship. |
Before you reach out, experts agree you should think about what your intentions are. Do you want to just say a quick hello, engage in a deep-dive catch-up session or re-enter each other’s lives more fully? Identify why you’ve lost touch in the first place. Did your friendship officially — or unofficially — end? Was there betrayal or disloyalty involved? Why you stopped talking to each other will influence how you approach the person and how that acquaintance responds to you. |
It’s also wise to do some research before you establish contact. Consult your former friend’s social media to see how they’ve been personally affected by the pandemic. Maybe they’ve lost work or have family members impacted by the virus. Get as clear a picture as possible before you reach out. |
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When it’s best to maintain distance |
Not every friendship is a good one. If your friendship was codependent, one-sided or unhealthy in any way, proceed with extreme caution. “Those friendships where people don’t actually want the best for us, they actually stress us out,” said Dr. Marisa Franco, a psychologist and relationship expert. “And research finds that they actually stress us out more than not having friends.” |
Think of the positive relationships that made you feel valued. There was loyalty, trust and vulnerability too. If those sort of friendships are coming to mind, Dr. Franco thinks you should definitely reach out. |
You heard a former friend has been impacted by the virus and you want to check in |
Research shows that people tend to be forgiving when they see others approaching them with good intentions, Dr. Franco said. So don’t worry about saying the perfect thing to this person; it’s better than not saying anything at all. |
If you want to help your former friend, be specific in how you can lend a hand. “It’s very taxing for people, especially when they’re going through something to have the wherewithal and the psychological resources to ask for support,” Dr. Franco said. Say something like, ‘Hey, I would love to send you some groceries. Would that be OK?’” |
You really just miss your friend |
Even simple things like writing a positive comment on social media, “can make people feel closer to each other and like their friendship feels more bonded,” Dr. Franco said. When you share a thoughtful message, that person will be more open to taking you up on your offer of support. |
Ms. Wilkerson Miller suggests giving an authentic compliment to open a conversation. Saying something like, “I saw the pictures you posted of your new house. It looks beautiful.” She also recommends referencing something you’ve always liked about this person when you were close. |
It can be tempting to ask to hop on a call or arrange a virtual happy hour, but that can be overwhelming. Send out a few low-pressure feelers (a short email or direct message on social media) and see where it goes from there. |
If you’re hoping to repair a rift, show you’re in it for the long haul. “There’s a higher bar set if there was acrimony or things didn’t end well,” said Dr. Oscar Ybarra, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan. Not only do you have to do the work to repair the hurt feelings, but “that kind of situation usually requires even more commitment and investment afterward so that you can genuinely show that you’re interested in the relationship.” |
For even more advice about reaching out to a former friend, click here. |
From our friends at Wirecutter |
Wirecutter is a New York Times company that reviews and recommends products |
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