Some friendships might have faded, and that's OK
 | | Lan Truong |
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This week I've invited friend of Smarter Living Anna Goldfarb to give us some advice about dealing with those friendships that might have faded a bit during the pandemic. |
If you're feeling disconnected because you haven't been able to spend time with your friends, it's understandable. When we don't engage in regular communication and do activities together, even the closest bonds of friendship decay, according to a 2015 study that appeared in the journal Human Nature. |
Unlike family relationships, friendships are completely voluntary. Therefore, "they're the relationships we put the least amount of effort into usually," said Sabeen Shaiq, a licensed clinical social worker. |
Whether your friendship has been rocky the past few months or has iced over completely, here are some ways to heal while socially distancing. |
Be proactive about establishing contact with friends you haven't spoken to in a while. "You're not going to randomly bump into your friends at the bar," said Ivy Kwong, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "You're going to have to make time to meet with friends virtually now." She said we should schedule our check-ins as if they were a work meeting. Quality is more important than quantity, so if you only have enough energy to reach out to a few cherished friends, that's fine. |
Write a handwritten letter telling your friend how much they mean to you. Voicing your deep appreciation could help strengthen your bond. "It is scary to do though, because they could not reciprocate," Ms. Shaiq said. "But sometimes we just have to be authentic to ourselves." |
Try not to take a "no" personally. |
If someone says they can't talk to you right now, don't spiral into negative questions and assumptions. "Whenever anyone says no, it's basically them taking care of themselves," Ms. Kwong said. Respect their decision and let them know your door is always open to them. |
Resist the urge to make permanent decisions about your friendship right now. |
Unlike scenarios in which there has been a specific conflict or realization that the relationship isn't working, a pandemic is not a good time to make permanent decisions if the issue is communication, said Kat Vellos, an author and connection coach. You may not be someone's top priority anymore, "whether it is suddenly taking care of a bunch of kids at home seven days a week, or whether it's dealing with a family member who's in crisis," she said. Silence may not be a personal rebuke, merely a quiet season in a long friendship. |
Consider this moment as a break, not a permanent chill. |
"Sometimes there are people who circle back into your life at different times," she said. Ms. Denworth likens it to discovering a forgotten sweater in your closet that suddenly fits you perfectly. "That could happen with friendships again down the road," she said. They don't have to be "all things, to all people, all the time," Ms. Denworth said, "including during pandemics." |
Privately work on letting go. |
Ms. Shaiq said there are several reasons someone might abandon a friendship right now. Perhaps one friend is struggling and just trying to keep their head above water. "Or the friendship was probably not what you thought it was to begin with," she said. |
While you grieve the ending — or pausing — of this friendship, turn your attention to things that will "allow you to feel a sense of hopefulness, optimism or even joy," Ms. Vellos said. "Put your attention on what you want to grow, not the thing that isn't growing." |
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