 | | Lan Truong |
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Friendships need four elements to grow, according to Kat Vellos, an author and connection coach: close physical proximity, regular interactions, a compatible outlook on life and a shared commitment to being there for each other. In her book, “We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships,” she calls these factors “seeds of connection,” because when they are all present, a healthy friendship can bloom. However, if any of these components are lacking “due to circumstance or not being actively nurtured, the greater your likelihood of failure,” she wrote. |
Unlike family relationships, friendships are completely voluntary. Therefore, “they’re the relationships we put the least amount of effort into usually,” said Sabeen Shaiq, a licensed clinical social worker. |
If you’re caught up in a friendship fight — maybe over observing safety precautions, or you’ve experienced a glaring mismatch in values and beliefs — here’s how to move forward and fix things. |
Make a genuine connection. |
If getting together isn’t feasible or safe, you can arrange a video call. However, a one-time conversation over video chat probably won’t be enough to get the friendship back on track, Ms. Shaiq said. Setting up another call or check-in at a future date will keep the positive momentum going and help normalize the relationship. |
Extend as much grace as you can. |
“We need to have compassion for the stresses that people are under,” said Lydia Denworth, author of “Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond.” Some people are untouched by the pandemic; others have had their life grind to a halt. Problems can arise between friends who don’t acknowledge that different people are experiencing this crisis in different ways, Ms. Denworth said. We must be aware of our own lucky breaks and extend compassion to those who haven’t been as fortunate. |
Ms. Kwong encourages white people to be especially mindful in interactions with friends who are people of color. It’s understandable if you want to reach out to your Black, brown or Asian-American friends to see how they’re coping with the changes sweeping the country, she said. |
First, she encourages people to examine their motives: Are you operating from a place of care for your friend, or are you trying to soothe your own discomfort? If you’re truly concerned for your friend, instead of asking how they’re doing, Ms. Kwong recommends inquiring about how you can support them right now. Offer to do something specific, like running an errand for them, ordering food on their behalf or donating to a fund they support. She encourages white people to continue their own anti-racist work both independently and alongside their other white friends. |
Accept you might have outgrown this friendship. |
Just because a friendship has existed for a long time doesn’t mean it’s capable of providing you with what you need today. Ms. Denworth said we should take this moment to identify our weaker friendships: “The ones that aren’t sustaining you, don’t make you feel good and that are lopsided.” Some behaviors you tolerated before — an unkind or critical friend, for instance — may not work for you now. She recommends shuffling that relationship to the outer rings of your friendship circle. |
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